Trapped for years in a disgusting and degrading environment for the amusement of tourists and the profits of a West Glacier-area businessman, a desperate grizzly bear failed to attract attention to its conditions when the worker he mauld turned out to have smoked marijuana earlier in the day.
“Just my luck,” said the bear, usually called “Stinky” or “Fuckwad” by his keepers, who fed her a diet of campground garbage and roadkill to keep her alive. “The redneck feeding me always seemed drunk off his ass or maybe strung out on methamphetamine. But no, it turned out he’d had a toke before work earlier the day I bit his arm, and suddenly that became the story.”
The Associated Press, wielding a hard-on for stories in Montana that somehow implicate marijuana and might have a connection, however tenuous, to the controversy regarding medical marijuana in the state, ignored some of the basics of workers compensation law and focused on the toking of massive bong hits by the mauling victim before he showed up to his job at the vermin-infested wildlife-porn facility.
Instead of highlighting the inhumane conditions for the majestic animal, or the fact that the “wildlife park” operator was paying his workers under the table to avoid taxes, unemployment insurance and worker’s compensation insurance, local media caught a whiff of reefer and had with the obscure, irrelevant angle.
“Here I am, parading like a dipshit for tourists whose whiny kids and snarling wives failed to see a grizzly in their 90-minute drive-through of [nearby] Glacier [National Park],” the bear told reporters. “And instead of highlighting the abuses I’ve received, the story presents my profiteering ‘owner’ as some kind of victim.”
Ironically, the mauling victim—who actually received just a couple of scratches in his arm—will now qualify for medical marijuana, further enraging Montana reporters as they discuss the injustice in the bars.
The owner, meanwhile, is relishing the newfound publicity of his animal enclosure as the story made national headlines.
“I had no idea I could just drive my SUV into a patch of weeds and see a real, live grizzly bear in the wild,” said FOX News personality Bill O’Reilly. “I’m definitely going to stop by there on a vacation with one of my two or three families.”
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Yakima Drug Dealers Backing Medipot Repeal
A Billings mom seeking to overturn Montana’s medical marijuana law has found an unlikely ally in her battle: a coalition of Mexican drug gangs based in Washington state.
The Billings group “Safe Community, Safe Kids,” which ran a front-page ad in Saturday’s Great Falls Tribune, is seeking repeal of the initiative that allows medical marijuana. The group was especially enraged that a medical pot business opened within a quarter-mile of a middle school, distracting some of the kids as they sought to get older residents to buy them alcohol at the Town Pump.
Faced with the legal process to get onto the ballot—a longstanding system described for this one initiative as “a state labyrinth” by the Tribune—the group has been seeking and getting support mainly from the Montana media.
But they received an unexpected boost when the Yakima-based group, “Pushers for Expensive Narcotics and Imprisoned Stoners” said they would come to Montana in a convoy of black SUVs to help gather signatures and “encourage” state officials to quickly approve the language on the ballot initiative.
“When we heard that law-abiding Montanans could obtain high-quality marijuana safely and legally, we saw we could lose a major source of revenue,” said Methamphalo Cannabo, the cartel vice chairman, in an interview by cellphone from his Escalade. “We have families to support and overlords in California and Mexico we need to continue to send money to. While we deal in plenty of methamphetamine, most of our income comes from the tons of cheap Mexican weed we truck into Montana, right under the noses of authorities, and sell at exorbitant prices to other drug dealers in Montana.”
A spokesman for “Safe Community, Safe Kids,” welcomed the help.
“The support of PENIS should the broad base of support for repeal of Montana medical marijuana,” she said. “This repeal may not eliminate all marijuana in Montana, but it will do what’s really important: Making sure only criminals, by definition, smoke the stuff.”
The Billings group “Safe Community, Safe Kids,” which ran a front-page ad in Saturday’s Great Falls Tribune, is seeking repeal of the initiative that allows medical marijuana. The group was especially enraged that a medical pot business opened within a quarter-mile of a middle school, distracting some of the kids as they sought to get older residents to buy them alcohol at the Town Pump.
Faced with the legal process to get onto the ballot—a longstanding system described for this one initiative as “a state labyrinth” by the Tribune—the group has been seeking and getting support mainly from the Montana media.
But they received an unexpected boost when the Yakima-based group, “Pushers for Expensive Narcotics and Imprisoned Stoners” said they would come to Montana in a convoy of black SUVs to help gather signatures and “encourage” state officials to quickly approve the language on the ballot initiative.
“When we heard that law-abiding Montanans could obtain high-quality marijuana safely and legally, we saw we could lose a major source of revenue,” said Methamphalo Cannabo, the cartel vice chairman, in an interview by cellphone from his Escalade. “We have families to support and overlords in California and Mexico we need to continue to send money to. While we deal in plenty of methamphetamine, most of our income comes from the tons of cheap Mexican weed we truck into Montana, right under the noses of authorities, and sell at exorbitant prices to other drug dealers in Montana.”
A spokesman for “Safe Community, Safe Kids,” welcomed the help.
“The support of PENIS should the broad base of support for repeal of Montana medical marijuana,” she said. “This repeal may not eliminate all marijuana in Montana, but it will do what’s really important: Making sure only criminals, by definition, smoke the stuff.”
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)