Grizzly Fails to Bring Attention to Disgusting Conditions With Mauling

Trapped for years in a disgusting and degrading environment for the amusement of tourists and the profits of a West Glacier-area businessman, a desperate grizzly bear failed to attract attention to its conditions when the worker he mauld turned out to have smoked marijuana earlier in the day.

“Just my luck,” said the bear, usually called “Stinky” or “Fuckwad” by his keepers, who fed her a diet of campground garbage and roadkill to keep her alive. “The redneck feeding me always seemed drunk off his ass or maybe strung out on methamphetamine. But no, it turned out he’d had a toke before work earlier the day I bit his arm, and suddenly that became the story.”

The Associated Press, wielding a hard-on for stories in Montana that somehow implicate marijuana and might have a connection, however tenuous, to the controversy regarding medical marijuana in the state, ignored some of the basics of workers compensation law and focused on the toking of massive bong hits by the mauling victim before he showed up to his job at the vermin-infested wildlife-porn facility.

Instead of highlighting the inhumane conditions for the majestic animal, or the fact that the “wildlife park” operator was paying his workers under the table to avoid taxes, unemployment insurance and worker’s compensation insurance, local media caught a whiff of reefer and had with the obscure, irrelevant angle.

“Here I am, parading like a dipshit for tourists whose whiny kids and snarling wives failed to see a grizzly in their 90-minute drive-through of [nearby] Glacier [National Park],” the bear told reporters. “And instead of highlighting the abuses I’ve received, the story presents my profiteering ‘owner’ as some kind of victim.”

Ironically, the mauling victim—who actually received just a couple of scratches in his arm—will now qualify for medical marijuana, further enraging Montana reporters as they discuss the injustice in the bars.

The owner, meanwhile, is relishing the newfound publicity of his animal enclosure as the story made national headlines.

“I had no idea I could just drive my SUV into a patch of weeds and see a real, live grizzly bear in the wild,” said FOX News personality Bill O’Reilly. “I’m definitely going to stop by there on a vacation with one of my two or three families.”